Amusing Miscommunications

This is probably more for my own amusement, but these miscommunications make me smile.

[From the New Jersey Monthly]

Surveying the seemingly endless rows of dolls stacked almost to the ceiling in the Toys "R" Us on Route 4 in Paramus, the chain's president, Norman Ricken, singles out a Barbie look-alike that he believes will prove a big favorite this Christmas. The high-fashion Jem, marketed as a corporate executive who moonlights as a rock 'n' roll star, represents, says Ricken, a glamorous version of the working woman. "Children like toys that mirror real life," he explains. (What's the matter lady? You mean you don't run the corporate world and then rock out at night?)

[From the Greenwich (Ct.) Time] CLARIFICATION: A story in Saturday's Greenwich Time about the restaurant at the Bruce Park Memorial Golf Course failed to mention that any expansion of the restaurant into the women's locker room area would need town approval. (Maybe they should get the approval of the women in the locker room too.)

[Sheldon Landwehr in the New York Post] Recently we were invited to a meal here by Joey Adams, that "strictly for laughs," lineal descendant of Confucius and his wife Cindy. (I didn't know Confucius's wife was named Cindy. They sound like a cute couple.)

[Memorandum received by a faculty member of Georgetown University]

TO: SFS Faculty

FROM: Dean Peter F. Krogh, Dean

School of Foreign Service

Wendy von Staden, wife of the former German Ambassador to the United States, a former German Foreign Service Officer and a celebrated author in Germany, will be speaking in the Dean's Office on October 15th at 5 p.m. She is one of the world's greatest women. I would appreciate it if you would announce this in your classes. (O.K., students, listen! Wendy von Staden is one of the world's greatest women.)

[From the Wall Street Journal] McDonnell Douglas views its entrant, which would cost the company $500 million to produce, as a budget-priced hybrid: a newfangled engine on a modified version of its existing MD-80 jet, ready to carry passengers by 1992. "This is a good opportunity for Douglas -- if this airplane can catch fire," says a marketing executive for a major U.S. airline. (Douglas is also selling fire extinguishers.)

From the Allentown (Pa.) Morning Call] Elsas and other researchers say they believe that aspartame can do more damage over a long period of time than federal health officials. (Nonsense. Federal health officials do much more damage.)

[From the Lorain (Ohio) Journal] ELYRIA--Firefighters are often called upon to save lives. Occasionally, they must help begin lives. Such was the case yesterday morning when five Elyria fire fighters gave birth to a girl in the bathroom of an apartment. (Another first for Elyria.)

[From the Bergenfield (N.J.) Twin Boro News] TENAFLY--On Friday evening, April 3, the Tenafly Nature Center will hold a "WoodCock Viewing."

In this program, participants will sit in silence and observe this bird's unusual mating display while sipping plum wine. This program is for adults only. (I should hope so!)

[From the Richmond (VA) Times-Dispatch]WINCHESTER (AP)--A scientist told 182 Shenandoah University graduates to avoid complacency. "Hitch your wagon to a star. Keep your seat and there you are," Charlotte C. Campbell said. "I can only hope your star is as exciting and rewarding to you as mine was to me." Ms. Campbell has studied fungi for more than 40 years.

(If only we all could aspire so high,

To spend our lives in the study of fungi.

I would tell you this, but it would be a lie:

Her speech gave me reason to cry.)